Arachnia (2003)

This otherwise laughable giant spider movie is notable in that it features a black heroine, Chandra (Irene Joseph). Granted, Chandra is just as laughable as the rest of the film, but hey, she's there. The entire cast, Joseph included, acts as stiffly as understudies in a high school play, and they insist upon wasting time engaged in monotone "witty banter" when they should be getting busy dyin'! Those spiders aren't gonna feed themselves! Then again, maybe they are... To Arachnia's credit, it doesn't take itself too seriously, but what self-respecting 21st-century horror film can take itself seriously when it uses stop motion animation? Some of the spider attack scenes feel like episodes of Gumby gone horribly awry. As for the character of Chandra, she's the bossy, take-charge type, although thankfully not in a stereotypically neck-craning, finger-waving sort of way. Still, while she avoids one black female stereotype, she steps right into another: asexuality. Unless they're the (usually malevolent) seductress, black women tend not to exude sex appeal in horror movies -- or any movies, for that matter. In Arachnia, Chandra isn't seen as the object of desire that the two ditsy white gals in the film are, even though she's the female lead. Although she's obviously attracted to the white hero -- even kissing him on the cheek in a rare vulnerable moment -- he never returns the affection. In fact, he's scared of her! What is this, a Pepe Le Pew cartoon? Dude, pop a purple pill or whatever it is you need, and get the job done.

"Why are we warming our hands in front of the TV?"	G.I. Joe didn't stand a chance.
No one understood Stan's performance art piece entitled "Birth of Aspirin".	Misinterpreting Lil' Jon's directive, Sabrina got ready for some skeet.