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BAD BOYS (AND GIRLS):
Black Horror's Most Wanted
Black people originated the slang of bad meaning good, but that doesn't mean they can't also be bad meaning bad. They've played some of the more memorable baddies in horror history. Here are some of the baddest. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
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Blacula, Blacula 1 and 2
The poster child for black horror movies, soulful vampire Blacula (AKA Mamuwalde) combines the '70s virtues of swinging sex appeal and Afro-centrism (he was an African prince, after all), all wrapped up in a mack daddy cape. William Marshall's booming voice can just as easily convince women to drop their panties as crap their pants. Supposedly, Jim Brown turned down the role, which was probably for the best. |
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Candyman, Candyman 1, 2, and 3
The James Brown of horror icons, Candyman is the hardest killin' man in the 'biz, appearing all over the world to kill anyone who says his name five times into a mirror. His favorite victim of choice, however, is the red-breasted white woman with golden plumage, a rare bird that can be found in the natural habitats of outlet malls and lynchings. |
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Jimmy Bones, Bones
The beauty of Jimmy Bones is that Snoop Dogg doesn't appear on screen all that much, because really, as many roles as he continues to get, Snoop is no actor. The character itself, though -- a black leather-clad, '70s-era pimp, mack, and ne'er-do-well -- is slick and worthy of horror film villainy. He's a smooth and deadly spirit, like a 21st century J.D. from J.D.'s Revenge, but with more weed.
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Carrefour, I Walked with a Zombie
Kolaga, Zombies on Broadway
Darby Jones plays the prototypical pre-Romero zombie in both films. Although the name changes, the character remains the same: a towering, bug-eyed, barrel-chested menace who doesn't care for munching on brains, unless of course his master commands it...which he doesn't. Instead, he slinks around in the shadows, waiting to scoop up helpless white women and bring them back to his chamber...his chamber of love.
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The Hitchhiker, Creepshow 2
You couldn't ask for a more polite zombie than the hitchhiker, who repeats "Thanks for the ride, lady" every time he's run over in a car. And yet, the fact that he keeps coming back over and over again, each time with less skin and teeth and eyes, has got to be a bit discomforting to any driver. He's harder to get rid of than herpes! And you don't even get to have sex to catch what he's got for you! |
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Baron Samedi, Sugar Hill
Baron Samedi is a traditional voodoo spirit that Don Pedro Colley gleefully portrays in this blaxploitation zombie film. This disturbingly laid-back dude is like a satanic version of the 7-Up guy (That is, Geoffrey Holder, the original 7-Up guy from the early '80s, not Orlando Jones.), who coincidentally played Baron Samedi in the James Bond film Live and Let Die. |
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Belle, Fright Night Part 2
Belle or Bela?
Is it a he? Is it a she? Who cares? It's a vampire on roller skates! What could be more terrifying? Just don't call him/her Tootie.
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Zuni fetish doll, Trilogy of Terror 1 and 2
You remember near the end of Child's Play when Chucky goes ape shit, shrieking and jumping all over Andy's mom? This little dude is like that all the time. This possessed African doll is beyond Red Bull; he's on Red Stampede. Don't let the size fool you; he will cut you to pieces like a maxed-out credit card. |
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Brother Charles, Soul Vengeance
Really more of an anti-hero than a villain, Brother Charles overcomes his disturbing resemblance to Rudy Ray Moore to develop the ability to strangle people with his penis. God bless him.
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Palo, The Believers
A man of few words, Sudanese black magic man Palo prefers to let his actions speak for him. For instance, when he puts a curse on your makeup kit that makes a pimple appear on your face when you wipe it with powder, and then the pimple grows larger and larger every day, and finally it erupts and spiders burst through your face and crawl all over you, he's saying, "I don't like you."
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Dr. Bones, The Horrible Doctor Bones
Dr. Bones is way too good a character to be wasted on the horrible Horrible Doctor Bones. With his red, pock-marked face pierced with bones and offset by dreadlocks, he cuts a striking figure that could've been a horror icon, and with his commanding, pimp-like presence, Darrow Igus is the only actor in the film who shouldn't be beaten to a pulp.
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Katrina, Vamp
Grace Jones is scary in her own right, but put vampire fangs on her and look out. The character Katrina is a stylish vampire strip club owner who wears a different Princess Amidala-type outfit in every scene. And she not only runs a strip club, but she also comes out and performs! Granted, it's a sort of modern artsy, interpretive dance with no nudity whatsoever, but I dare you to complain to her.
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Big Daddy, Land of the Dead
The smartest Romero zombie on record, Big Daddy makes Day of the Dead's Bub look like a freakin' 'tard. Like a great general, he leads the horde of undead into the stronghold of the living while developing an ability to use complex tools and, sInce he's black, automatic weapons.
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Ragdoll, Ragdoll
With the lightning-quick reflexes and vocal dexterity of a cat caught in a combine, this doll ain't your momma's Raggedy Ann. You wonldn't want to put it in your daughter's bed unless you wanted the kid to wake up with a few less appendages -- although I bet it could make her eat her veggies in record time. |
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Dargent Peytraud, The Serpent and the Rainbow
This voodoo creep would turn his own mother into a zombie...but not before turning your mother into one. Veteran actor Zakes Mokae portrays the character with enough sleaze that he even permeates your dreams. I particularly hate the one where you're in high school and you realize your pants are made of weasels.
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Queen Akasha, Queen of the Damned
Even if Akasha's offer to "suck you dry" doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped, you'll still be able to spend your eternal damnation with fond memories of this lithe babe giving you one mother of a hickey.
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Killjoy, Killjoy 1 and 2
Killjoy, the killer clown with the killer 'fro, is the only thing that adds energy to the Killjoy films. In the first one in particular, he sports a slight build and effeminate demeanor, but don't let the smooth taste fool you! He will send you to Hell in a hand basket, like an evil Michael Jackson...er, a MORE evil Michael Jackson.
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Private Mailer, 28 Days Later
When 28 Days Later came out, one of the major selling points of the trailer was the shot of Mailer's angry red eyes peering through a window. You wouldn't like him when he's angry! He's like the Hulk on psychotropic drugs. Unlike Land of the Dead's Big Daddy, there's no reasoning with Mailer. He's all about ripping you to shreds, when he's not puking blood all over your face. Moist towelette, please!
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Mr. Simms, Tales from the Hood
Clarence "Link" Williamson III steals the show in Tales from the Hood as loony mortician Mr. Simms, who serves as the Cryptkeeper-esque narrator for the tales in this anthology, delivering the best line in the movie when he responds to the punk kids who want to know where "the shit" is: "Ah yes," he says, ever proper, "the shit..." |
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Marianna, Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf
Besides being Mick Jagger's baby mama, Marsha Hunt's career highlight (or lowlight, depending on your point of view) may be the role of Marianna, the freaky-deaky hirsute lover's dream, in Howling II, one of the most laughable horror movies of all time. Howling II: Your Movie Is a Steaming Turd. |
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The doll, Black Devil Doll from Hell
On the surface, this doll is one of the least scary of this bunch of baddies...that is, until you've seen it in fully erect tongue mode. Shudder.
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Zombies, Black Demons
Plodding along at a pace as slow as, well, this movie, these undead Brazilian slaves pose a threat to turtles, slugs, three-toed sloths, and anyone bathing in molasses. |
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Eebee, Evil Bong
You'd think that after directing, like, 38 movies featuring evil dolls, Charles Band would be able to come up with something a bit more intimidating than this contraption. Eebee (E.B. Evil Bong. Get it?) speaks with the voice of a sassy black woman (Michelle Mais), even though its mouth never moves. Thankfully, it has no fingers to wag nor a neck to crane. |
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Blackenstein, Blackenstein
If Dracula and Dr. Jekyll could be adapted into the Blaxploitation genre, why not Frankenstein? Well, it can, but you might want to spend more than a welfare check to fund it. Still, what this bloated monster (Joe De Sue) lacks in acting skills, charisma, and likeability he makes up for in "rip-your-guts-out-edness". |
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African ooga-booga doll, Doll Graveyard
The ridiculousness of this African warrior caricature overrides the potential for offense (I think). A man of few words and even fewer names, he prefers to let his spear and his natural good looks speak for themselves. |
More to come...
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