How to Be Black in a Horror Movie

Originally published on eHow.com

Introduction

Being a black person in a horror movie isn’t easy. You’re rarely the hero, hardly ever the villain and more often than not you end up dead. But as they say, “When in Rome…die as a Roman,” or something like that. At least there are steps you can take to make your inevitable demise run as smoothly as possible.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need

  • Blackness
  • The ability to die

Steps

Step One

Be athletic. This gives you a character trait with which people can identify you, as you will probably be written with little personality. Try wearing a letterman jacket and carrying some sort of ball.

Step Two

Hang out with white people. They’ll inevitably go snooping around a spooky house or an abandoned oil rig, and then it’s your turn to shine!

Step Three

Die valiantly, preferably with the phrase “Save yourselves!” or “Get out of here!” It helps if you’re Charles Dutton.

Step Four

Learn voodoo. Raise the dead if the need arises.

Step Five

Gather up two friends and mug someone in an alley, not realizing that he’s a superhuman murderer or alien or predator or superhuman murdering alien predator with tentacles that shoot out of his armpits and burn you with acidic armpit moisture and make your face melt like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, or something. Anyway, the point is: you die.

Step Six

Be funny. Who knows, you might actually survive if the audience likes you. If this means being scared of your own shadow, so be it. Learn how to “skedaddle.”

Step Seven

If you’re old, be wise. Learn all about the legend of the three-eyed mutant who was teased as a child and abandoned in the swamp only to emerge every full moon to exact revenge. This will come in handy when the hero comes to you and asks what the heck is going on. After you tell him, of course, you’ll probably be ripped to shreds, you snitch.

Step Eight

Seduce the hero. It helps if you’re a vampire or some sort of seducing-type undead person with a cape.

Step Nine

Be a rapper. This could take some time if you have to A) learn how to rap, B) get signed to a record deal, C) have a hit song, D) get shot in order to prove your street credibility and E) retire to become an actor, but when you’re on screen being stabbed to death with a pitchfork, it’ll all be worth it.

Step Ten

Make your own movie. Nowadays, all you need is a digital video camera, a few lights (bug zappers will do), a backyard and a great movie poster. And Lance Henriksen.

What do you think?