House of Wax (2005)

Poor Blake (Robert Ri’chard). First, he decides to take a “short cut” to the big football game. Then, he has to make out with Paris Hilton, whose breath no doubt smells of penis. Next, it turns out she might be pregnant (He is black after all; he can’t help it!), and finally, before he even has a chance to deny paternity, he gets stabbed in the neck. Such is the life of a black guy dating a white woman in a horror movie.

I wouldn’t think you’d have to be warned of the dangers of hooking up with Paris Hilton (penicillin shots, loss of will to live), but Blake is a lunkheaded jock of a black guy who says stuff like “Bless me, Dog” when asking for a beer and who cares more about his Escalade and his boomin’ system than his woman. Granted, if that woman is Paris Hilton, I can understand.

House of Wax is admirable as one of the few movies — and even fewer horror movies — to feature an interracial couple without mention of race, although it’s not surprising that Blake and Paige (Hilton) die for their miscegenational ways.

To be fair, most everyone else dies as well, except for Carly (Elisha Cuthbert, with her weird greasy hair) and her semi-incestuous brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray) as they battle psychotic brothers who enjoy turning people into wax statues. In Paris Hilton’s case, their work was half done for them. Zing! Hooray, I’ve reached my Paris Hilton joke quota!

Elisha Cuthbert in the horror movie House of Wax
“Yes, I DO get it cut for free at the local hair college. How did you know?”
Chad Michael Murray in the horror movie House of Wax
If K-Fed and Justin Timberlake mated…this guy would watch.
Paris Hilton in the horror movie House of Wax
“I smell poverty.”
Robert Ri'chard in the horror movie House of Wax
None of the guys wanted to play “Miss Mary Mack” with Brian.
A scene from the horror movie House of Wax
“I shot a man in Reno just to see him die… He survived, actually, and went on to live a healthy and prosperous life. His name is Larry. I send him a Christmas card every year.”
Robert Ri'chard in the horror movie House of Wax
“I love it when you call me the N-word…”


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