Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)

The little train wreck that could, Black Devil Doll from Hell has gained a level of underground infamy in horror circles, thanks to its ridiculously low production values and scandalous content. It was filmed — or rather, “videoed” — in 1984, long before digital video cameras made low-budget, shot-on-video films look good enough to be marketable. Thus, we must plod through a movie with the picture quality of Paris Hilton’s sex tape — sans the night vision.

The story revolves around Helen (Shirley L. Jones), a middle-aged, church-going virgin gal who purchases a doll because, well, the script says so. I’m not exactly sure about the story behind the doll, since as soon as the shopkeeper begins to tell Helen its tale, the obnoxiously loud dog whistle of a soundtrack kicks in and drowns her out. Something about the puppet being able to give its owner a “heartfelt wish” and that every time it’s purchased it ends up back at the store. To most people, that would be a hint, but not our Helen! She buys the creepy little braided Stevie Wonder doll and promptly proceeds to take a shower in front of it.

It’s at this point that Black Devil Doll from Hell segues into a porn movie. Turns out that this doll’s made of wood…all over. Faced with the overwhelming temptations of Helen’s saggy breasts and busted ‘fro, the devil doll (or rather, the devil doll’s child stunt double; how troubling is it that a child was involved in the making of this film?) knocks her out and has his way with the lass. And this isn’t slow, sexy Ken-and-Barbie love making, either; this is nasty, freaky He Man-and-Skeletor doll lust, with the puppet bellowing lines like “How do you like that, bitch?” and “This is what you want, and I’m gonna give it to you!” Disturbing with a capital “D”. (Granted, it has some educational value. For instance, who knew that dolls have functional tongues?) It truly plays like a cheap porno, with static shots of the doll ruttin’ on Helen for more than six therapy-inducing minutes.

By the end, though, she’s actually enjoying herself, but when she wakes up, the puppet is gone. Now, Helen is a sprung chicken with a newfound horniness that no one can satiate except that damn doll. Can she find him again before her loins explode? Tune in to find out, because really, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve seen hot doll-on-church lady cunnilingus. Thoroughly offensive to women, dolls and people with the ability to see and hear, Black Devil Doll from Hell still remains jaw-droppingly watchable.

Madea’s Rummage Sale
“I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum.” 
Black Orthopedic Shoes from Hell
It doesn’t get any sexier than this, fellas.
Pray you never wake up to this.
The Energizer Bunny likes to watch.

What do you think?