Kracker Jack’d (2003)

Kracker Jack’d feeds off the fear that, DC Sniper and Atlanta Child Murderer aside, serial killers tend to be white. It’s a fine basis for a film, and had anyone involved in the creative process been blessed with a modicum of talent, it might’ve lived up to that potential. But no, this movie was made by people who are no doubt the target demographic for the average Wayans Brothers movie…Make that the below-average Wayans Brothers movie.

If Kracker Jack’d were half as entertaining as its cover art, it might’ve at least been a guilty pleasure, but any thoughts of pleasure dry up within the first 30 seconds when you realize that one of the main characters speaks only in rhyme. Writer/director Chad Hendricks doles out character traits like he’s writing for the Seven Dwarves: Spliff (Bernie Davis) smokes weed all the time, Playa (Julius Golden) is always macking on the ladies (and unfortunately for us, always singing as he does so), Swole (Vesher Yisrael) is a weightlifter, Carlton (Mark Anthony Rivera) is a nerd, and the aforementioned Bling Bling (John W. Sloan, Jr.) raps all of his lines.

The story begins with the fivesome beating up a wannabe white boy who uses the “N word” in an effort to “be down.” Later, when the guys throw a party at their crib, a masked stranger shows up and begins knocking people off — one by one, no less. Who could it be…? Featuring bits about farting, cunnilingus while menstruating and giving oral sex to cadavers, Kracker Jack’d is low-class endeavor with the comedic touch of a sledgehammer. It’s not low-brow humor; it’s no-brow humor. Thankfully, the sound quality is so bad, you don’t have to listen to what they’re saying much of the time — although it’s hard to ignore the disturbing amount of dialogue ending in “izzle”. Oh my gizzle, what a stupizzle piece of shizzle.

Jerome’s guardian angel was a fucking moron.
Few people realized that Jason was CPR certified.
“I can clearly see your nuts.”
The world’s strongest Jew.
Kelvin needed a shizower.


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