Rappers “Slash” Actors Appearing in Horror Movies

Rappers are busy people, what with all the ho juggling, money stacking, and ride pimping. That’s why so few of them have time to fully devote to the craft of acting. And yet so many of them are doing it, mucking up our precious horror films with their half-assed performances. Now, the time has come to set them straight and decide once and for all whether or not they should proceed on the Hollywood path or return to their day jobs.

1. Ice Cube


Horror Resume: Ghosts of Mars, Anaconda
Typical Role: Lovably humorless co-star
Typical Fate: Survival
As an Actor: Top-notch scowler
As a Rapper: One too many Are We There Yets irreparably damaged street cred.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Christopher Walken after his fourteenth Saturday Night Live gig.
Rap or Act?: Act

2. Ice-T

Horror Resume: Leprechaun in the Hood, Guardian, Hood Rat, Urban Menace
Typical Role: Hood with pimp-like tendencies
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: Limited range hindered by the inability to stop pimping.
As a Rapper: Original gangsta
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Michael Madsen
Rap or Act?: If it means more album covers like this, rap on!

3. LL Cool J


Horror Resume: Halloween H20, Deep Blue Sea, Mindhunters
Typical Role: Buff sidekick
Typical Fate: Rumored to be contractually obligated to survive.
As an Actor: Enunciates well.
As a Rapper: Wears a hat.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Rap or Act?: Act. It involves much less lip licking.

4. Coolio

Horror Resume: Dracula 3000, The Convent, Pterodactyl, Red Water, Leprechaun in the Hood, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th
Typical Role: Buffoonish criminal or wildly out-of-character uniformed official
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: Has funny hair.
As a Rapper: Good. In 1991.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Doug E. Doug
Rap or Act?: Acting is the lesser of two evils.

5. Snoop Dogg


Horror Resume: Bones, Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror, Urban Menace
Typical Role: Menacing anti-hero/likable villain
Typical Fate: Heroic death/sedated life
As an Actor: Cue cards would be less wooden.
As a Rapper: Would light up cue cards and smoke ’em.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Jason Mewes
Rap or Act?: Stay in the studio.

6. Queen Latifah


Horror Resume: Bone Collector, Sphere
Typical Role: Chubby fodder
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: Likeable around-the-way girl
As a Rapper: Will put a boot in your ass, Afro-centrically.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Hattie McDaniel
Rap or Act?: Oscar or Source Award? Hmmm…

7. Will Smith

Horror Resume: I Am Legend
Typical Role: Hero, godlike mega-star
Typical Fate: Uber-survival
As an Actor: Is loved by white people.
As a Rapper: Gave white people permission to use the word “jiggy”.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Keanu Reeves with clarity
Rap or Act?: Act. But no more soundtracks.

8. Busta Rhymes

Horror Resume: Halloween: Resurrection
Typical Role: Unlikely hero
Typical Fate: Surprisingly, survival
As an Actor: Sounds like the Cowardly Lion.
As a Rapper: Yells a lot. Probably needs Ritalin.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman
Rap or Act?: Woo-ha! Put that acting in check.

9. Redman

Horror Resume: Seed of Chucky
Typical Role: Himself
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: He’s, well, Redman.
As a Rapper: Gleefully grimy
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Cheech Marin
Rap or Act?: Rap like the wind.

10. Method Man

Horror Resume: Venom
Typical Role: See Redman.
Typical Fate: See Redman.
As an Actor: Didn’t I tell you to see Redman?
As a Rapper: Is Wu-Tangy.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Tommy Chong
Rap or Act?: Rap. Or didn’t you watch his TV show?

11. Treach

Horror Resume: Feast, El Chupacabra
Typical Role: Something above his acting ability
Typical Fate: Brutal death
As an Actor: Excels in non-speaking roles.
As a Rapper: Likes to throw his hands in the air and wave them like he just don’t care.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Mark Wahlberg with some semblance of musical ability.
Rap or Act?: Rap. Please.

12. Rah Digga

Horror Resume: 13 Ghosts, Da Hip-Hop Witch
Typical Role: Comically sassy servant
Typical Fate: Survival
As an Actor: Sexy until she opens her mouth
As a Rapper: More scary than 13 Ghosts
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Marla Gibbs
Rap or Act?: Act , but pick better movies.

13. Mos Def

Horror Resume: Island of the Dead
Typical Role: Collateral damage
Typical Fate: Sympathetic death
As an Actor: A down-to-earth everyman
As a Rapper: Surprisingly adept for a def person
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Giovanni Ribisi
Rap or Act?: The only one who should do both.

14. Tone Loc

Horror Resume: They Crawl
Typical Role: Non-threatening rascal
Typical Fate: Polite death
As an Actor: High-end straight-to-video
As a Rapper: Low-end straight-to-audio
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Gary Busey on meds
Rap or Act?: Does he even have any rapping options?

15. Mack 10


Horror Resume: Cutthroat Alley, Halloween House Party
Typical Role: Big-headed gangsta
Typical Fate: Cap peeled
As an Actor: OK, but is he acting?
As a Rapper: Feeds off Ice Cube’s scraps.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: An extra on “Oz”
Rap or Act?: Rap. And try not to kill anyone.

16. Ja Rule


Horror Resume: Furnace, Da Hip Hop Witch, Scary Movie 3
Typical Role: Anything with a paycheck
Typical Fate: Survival
As an Actor: Is less intimidating than the role calls for.
As a Rapper: Is short.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Carrot Top
Rap or Act?: Um…rap?

17. Sticky Fingaz


Horror Resume: House of the Dead 2, Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, Reality Kills, Blade: The Series
Typical Role: Varies, but always cockeyed
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: Is less sticky than you’d think.
As a Rapper: If you rap in a studio and no one hears, do you make a sound?
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Forrest Whitaker on Slim Fast with mild dementia
Rap or Act?: Act

18. Fredro Starr


Horror Resume: Vegas Vampires, The Addiction
Typical Role: 30-something urban “teen”
Typical Fate: Death
As an Actor: Good at playing half his age
As a Rapper: Not good at rapping half his age
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Brian Austin Green
Rap or Act?: Act your age.

19. Big Gipp


Horror Resume: The Evil One
Typical Role: Well-intentioned bama
Typical Fate: Survival
As an Actor: Requires subtitles.
As a Rapper: Resembles Goofy by way of Bootsy Collins.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Brad Garrett
Rap or Act?: No one has to understand you when you rap.

20. Kurupt


Horror Resume: Vegas Vampires
Typical Role: Petty thug
Typical Fate: Too petty to even kill
As an Actor: Good at petty thug-ism
As a Rapper: Thuggish…in a petty way
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Antonio Fargas
Rap or Act?: Does it matter?

21. Mia X

Horror Resume: Dream Home
Typical Role: Latently homosexual confidant
Typical Fate: Sadly, survival
As an Actor: Chews the scenery…and the craft services table.
As a Rapper: Seems to have “mama drama” of some sort.
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Rosie O’Donnell
Rap or Act?: Considering I’ve never heard her rap…she should stick to rapping.

22. Master P & Lil’ Romeo


Horror Resume: Don’t Be Scared, Little Dead Rotting Hood
Typical Role: Anything that puts them in the best possible light
Typical Fate: Survival, so that others might bask in their glory
As an Actor: Great! Just ask them!
As a Rapper: Ditto!
Comparable “Actor Actor”: Willie Tyler & Lester
Rap or Act?: Just go away.

What do you think?