Vault of Horror (1973)

Voo-did it again. Like fellow Amicus studio production Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors, this British anthology features a tale of voodoo revenge — although by the time Vault of Horror came out eight years later, the roles of black folk in horror movies had evolved beyond this dated formula. The story “Drawn and Quartered” begins in Haiti, where British painter Moore (Tom “Doctor Who” Baker, who, appropriately enough, bears a striking resemblance to The Joy of Painting‘s Bob Ross, minus the Zoloft) learns that back home, his paintings are earning his backstabbing former cronies a pretty penny while leaving him, well, stuck in Haiti.

He naturally does what any pissed-off white man in Haiti would do: he visits a witch doctor (unnamed in the credits, but I believe is Tony Hazel). Quicker than you can say “Ooh eee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang”, Moore’s acquired the ability to manifest his drawings in the real world. Let’s just say that you should avoid playing hangman with this guy. Although “Drawn and Quartered” might be the best of the derivative tales in Vault of Horror, questions still abound. Did the portraits have to be so realistic? I mean, couldn’t he have drawn a stick figure and written the person’s name beside it? Sure, it would’ve been less artsy, but his carpal tunnel would’ve thanked him later. And am I the only one who would’ve forgotten about the whole revenge nonsense and drawn a pic of Tyra Banks, ass-up? This concept would be re-visited in 1995’s Tales from the Hood — again, sadly, Tyra-less.

“This doesn’t look like Ziggy at all!”
“Happy clouds my ass.”
“Would a courtesy flush kill you?”
Rupert never quite got the hang of parallel parking.

What do you think?