Zombiez (2005)

This movie is so half-assed...I can't even finish the sentence. It's truly so wretched that I could see how some people could enjoy it in a sadomasochistic way. Where do I start? I know; how about the fact that there are NO ZOMBIES? There are just guys who go around killing and eating people. These are generally known as cannibals; or, depending on what part of the country you live in, Masons. Why are they not zombies? Let me count the ways:

1) They're not dead.
2) They talk. And laugh. And act really, really poorly.
3) They tie people up and use sickles to kill them.
4) Sometimes they throw rocks.
5) They can be killed by a shank to the gut.
5) They fear. In one scene, they scatter at the sound of a police siren (I suppose only a black zombie would run from a cop.). In another, they run from a guy with a meat cleaver. One even yells, "Oh snap!" as he flees.

Like sister film Vampiyaz (one directed by Z. Winston Brown, the other by Z. Winston Snygg. Hmm...), the action and effects are lame, and the "shaky camera" technique is more of a masking technique than a stylistic one. The plot of Zombiez is actually even worse than Vampiyaz, with the middle half of the film's screenplay going something like this: "Josephine runs around in the forest. Zombies chase her. She exits the forest. Zombies chase her. She goes back to where she was in the first place." The dialogue seems improvised, resulting in repetition, cliches, extended silence, and repetition. And amazingly, there's not even an attempt to explain who the hell these people are and why they're killing everyone. The makers seem to think that they can hypnotize you into forgetting all of the movie's faults by waving heroine Jenicia Garcia's admittedly luscious ass in front of the camera over and over...and over...and over...and frankly, it almost works. I saw so much booty, I thought I was a pirate. But in the end, there's not enough ass in the world to make this film good.

Zombiez wear skullies.	Zombiez throw rocks.
Zombiez laugh.	Zombiez get "jumped in".
Babe 3: Pig on a String	"The flames'll be added in post-production. Trust me."
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