Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (AKA Treasure of the White Goddess) (1983)

Really more of an adventure (although admittedly not very adventurous) tale than horror, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro is piss-poor in any genre. It’s a Tarzan rip-off from Spanish sleaze-meister Jesus Franco, meaning it’s an excuse for non-stop nudity, bad dubbing and little else. Katja Bienert is the ever-topless “white goddess” who’s lived for years in darkest Africa since crash landing as a child with her godfather, who insists on being called “big white chief.”

The Africans here are basically sheep, blindly worshiping the white people who fell from the sky, or else they are the few who (rightfully) distrust the white people and are thus portrayed as blood-thirsty savages. Given the blood thirst, though, there’s surprisingly little gore or violence; just one mild decapitation (as far as decapitations go). The tribesmen in skull masks could’ve been somewhat creepy, but they weren’t put to good use…or to any use, for that matter. Exploitation flicks are bound to be tasteless and offensive, but they should never be as dull as this lump of coal.

Few knew that Skeletor was a general in the Kiss Army.
Crocodile Dundee was bummed to find out that his was not a knife after all.
The runners-up in the Miss White Jungle Goddess Pageant knew that the fix was in.


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