Minotaur (2006)

I’m no expert on Greek mythology, but I’ve got to question the historical accuracy of casting Tony Todd as the king of Minos. Then again, given decades of seeing the likes of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor playing Antony and Cleopatra, erring on the other side of the racial spectrum might not be such a bad thing. So here we have it: Tony Todd as the ebony king of a Mediterranean island — although I suppose this is a liberal interpretation of the minotaur myth that takes place in an imaginary world with fake country names like Minos (Crete being the real island that was ruled by King Minos).

Thus, the king in this film is named Deucalion, and the minotaur is not the traditional man with a bull’s head, but rather a giant, skeletal bull. It will chew its cud until you’re dead! Our hero Theo (Tom Hardy, a few years before legitimacy) ventures to Minos to rescue his gal from the Labyrinth and encounters the freaky, ridiculous caricature of a king: hedonistic, foppish and perennially high. Bare-chested and sporting mascara, press-on nails and a hoop nose ring, Todd speaks in whispers, like an effeminate interpretation of Candyman, delivering campy lines like “Virgins please us. They please us immensely,” and “Take those sweet eyes from me before I pluck them out, boy.” Meow!

The freaky king has a hard-on for his seemingly freaky sister, Raphaella (steamy Australian Michelle Van Der Water, whose credits include the Lingerie Bowl), who, aside from tongue-kissing female captives, turns out to be not so freaky after all. She ends up helping Theo kill the Minotaur and escape from the maze so that she may rule her kingdom with unchecked sex appeal. All in all, it’s above-average straight-to-video/SyFy fare with nice special effects (Todd’s teats not included).

“Is this the Lord of the Rings audition?”
“I shouldn’t have had that last burrito…”
“I will kick Lynda Carter’s ass.”
They need to put a warning label on those Schlitz malt liquor bottles.


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