Vampz (2004)

If I didn’t know any better, I’d guess that the goal of Vampz is to see how long it can feature sultry, lingerie-clad vampiresses having sex without showing them naked. What’s the deal? I mean, really, how much would it take to get a Playmate like Serria Tawan to doff her drawers? Seriously, I’d like to know, ‘cuz I have a 401(k) I can dip into…

As far as “plot” goes, Vampz revolves around a trio of urban (hence the “z”) vampiresses — Lillith (Tawan), Cleo (Chantal Lashon) and Delilah (Tawanna Browne) — who set up a “massage parlor” delivering less-than-happy endings to their male clientele. Meanwhile, Keith, a cop and occasional wife beater who’s investigating the murders of local horny men, discovers that — surprise, surprise — his wife, Eve, has up and left him.

Eve falls in with the “vampz,” and Keith must save her while simultaneously killing three birds with one stone. Can he do it? And more importantly, will anyone want him to, given that his success means no more vampiresses walking around in high heels and thong-tha-thong-thong-thongs? As far as straight-to-video urban horror cheapies go, Vampz is decent. Unfortunately, I was hoping for “indecent.” Still, the acting is solid, the gore is well done for the budget and overall, there are worse times to be had than spending 80 minutes with a bevy of horny vampz… Just make sure you get tested for crabz afterwards.

All the homies loved soccer.
“I should’ve expected this when I saw the plastic sheets.”
Larry wished Steven J. Cannell wasn’t such a backseat writer.
Ironically, dirty maids get the biggest tips.
“I regret nothing!”
On the bright side, Dudley’s body mass index had dropped tremendously.


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